Lost During the Holidays

When you have no family, the holidays can be tough. I use to have a family but my parents' long, drawn out divorce brought that divisiveness to the whole family and we scattered. I refuse to be "friends" with a brother who is told it's okay to call me a "money grabbing bitch." Every holiday season we go spend time with my husbands' lovely family, lots of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. His mother, the matriarch, still alive at 91 and all her clan running around happily enjoying the fun. Every year, for years, I've been lucky to get to share in on this family which I married into, but it isn't my family. My grown children come and celebrate with us, having no children yet of their own, and we feel like family. But they will not ever be parents which leaves us in a perpetual relationship of being the parents. My adult children won't learn the lessons that having a child teaches. They will not come to the exhaustive understanding of the sacrifice we made to raise them and how much we loved them. They are good kids and great people, but they are not in the family way unless they are with us. They bring us no grandchildren. And we are okay with that since we raised our children to be free-thinkers and to step outside of the box. But it is hard and the holidays always leaves me feeling lost in it.

I remember as a child going to my Dad's parents' house on Christmas Eve and all my cousins would be there. Cathy was a year younger than me and we'd instantly connect and become the best of friends within minutes. Living in S. California allowed us to go outside during the holidays and run around. We played games out in the leaves and then came in and sat around my grandparents' huge dining room table and ate amazing food prepared by their full-time help. Santa Claus always appeared later in the evening, frightening the littler ones and bringing presents to calm their fears. I remember the awesome strangeness of having the actual Santa in their living room, alive, talking to us. We felt very special. And I had a brother and sister who, at the end of all the presents at Grandma and Grandpa's house, would climb into the backseat of the car with me, and we'd talk about how exciting it was to still have Christmas morning upon us. We were in ecstasy. My parents seem to love each other, but then they also were disconnected and that disconnect only got bigger as we got older. When I was 24, they finally divorced, creating the largest divorce file in Benton County history as they fought over money and who had it and who owed it and how much and why weren't they paying?? My sister was other-needs and just turned 16 when my dad moved out. I was a single mother at the time, with a newborn and trying to go to school. My dad turned off the electricity to the house my mom and sister were living in by not paying the bill. My mother had never supported herself financially before, and my dad was ruthlessly mean when he left, although I think he'd say he was broke. Always his excuse. He let the small amount of taxes due on the house go unpaid and the house was foreclosed upon, forcing my mother and sister to move out. Our holidays were no longer joyful, but a tug-of-war over who was going where and who did what when. Broken. So if you have a large family get-together over the holidays, remember, there may be some people there really struggling. People put on their best face and walk into difficult situations at Christmas/Hanukkah time. They smile, they love, they converse, but inside some may be struggling just to get through the day. Kindness goes so far. Reach out and see clearly who is around you. Happy holidays.